Mood:  lazy
Woke up yesterday feeling dizzy and Arun took me to Noah's Bagels for breakfast. I felt better after going there. Had a plain, sourdough bagel and lemonade. Then I had a pepper corn bagel. No spread on either one, just plain.

This morning, I woke up dizzy also. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Arun will come and take me. He gave me a cinnamon and raison bagel this morning and coffee. I packed his lunch and then he left. He told me that he's not contributing much to work these days. I think he's afraid that he will get laid off. I wanted to tell him that it will be ok if he got laid off since we already have plans. I think yesterday or the day before, I had told him that I can add him to my benefits if needed.

Last night, we watched Hotel Rawanda and it was very disturbing for him. He mentioned that these types of movies affect him greatly once before going to bed and this morning, he told me that he had a dream that he was saving all these African kids. I asked him how many and he said just a lot.

Mood:  hug me
Woke up at 4am this morning after 5 hours of sleep. I felt tense and worried that I will miss something today. So many things needed to be done exactly on time today. I had to be at work by 7:30am, I had to make sure everything is packed, I had to make sure Pepper is fed and the turtle is taken care of, I had to make sure that I had enough things to continue to work once I get to Las Vegas, I worried that I may miss the flight since I will be leaving 1.5 hours before the flight to get to the airport. I wish all these worries will just go away. Then I started to feel alone, I wished that Arun was here. Somehow, I worry less when he is here.

I overate last night. Although I had enough food for dinner last night, I couldn't get the desire for those Vietnamese squids at the sandwich place out of my mind so I picked up a 4 item combo on the way home. Once I got there, everything looked so good, I couldn't resist. If they had a 5 item combo, I probably would have gotten that. Usually, Emily is there so there is some restriction because I didn't want to look like a pig, but last night, no one was there to criticize or judge me, so I just got what I wanted. I was hungry too, and maybe that was a mistake. I had worked out, 45 minutes of aerobics, prior to leaving and there was so much traffic that I ate a packet of Perle G's before I got to the sandwich shop. They were stale and I didn't really enjoy them, but I was so hungry. Then, I ate one chicken piece on the drive back to home. Damn traffic, took too long, I didn't want to eat like that. Then I just dropped everything and ate the meal. Half way through I decided that i had enough so I put it away in the frig. Then, I watched some TV and I began to think about the pizza that was there. Three slices, 5 points each, a total of 15 points that I didn't have, and all that cheese. Cheese and whipped cream are two deadly foods, so much fat, so many points for small quantities. So, I cleaned and cut up both of the red peppers and ate them with some fat free dressing. They were crisp and good. However, after finishing them, I still thought about the pizza. I think I didn't want to waste it and I didn't think it will last until we got back and I didn't want to give it to Pepper so I got up and took one piece. Then I just ate the other two. 15 points and all that cold, cheese fat. Then for some dumb ass reason, I drank half a bottle of yogurt. It was good, slightly runny, and a bit tangy. There was a bit of a creaminess in it and it was refreshing. I thought that was healthy, at least, because I could have eaten half of that pack of girl scout cookies that was still in the cubbard.

I realize that I eat because I am bored. Somehow, if I can turn this around, then I will consume much less calories. I went to Mervyn's and looked at all these clothing and hated my weight. I had gained 30 pounds back since loosing that weight a few years ago. How did it creep back? I know that I have been eating more since seeing Arun because he eats in such a wierd schedule and I end up snacking too much.

I brought more than enough for lunch today and I fear that I will eat it all. But, I don't want to throw it away or let it go to waste. At least not this food. Somehow, if it is food I don't like, like old dal or something like that, I don't mind throwing it away, though I often wait a while before I do that.

So, I think two of my issues are:
* eating because I'm bored
* not being able to waste food

I guess I'm using my body as a garbage can or a food storage facility.

First entry
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Colleagues leaving
Came into work today and saw some colleagues crammed into a meeting room with all kinds of wires and hubs, staring into their Dell laptops, executing another series of tests for an upgrade project. I sit down with my bags on the table and begin chatting to see how they were doing. I haven't talked to them for several days now, since returning from India.

I have been back in the US for 33 days since leaving India. I had gone there with my fiance and we came back married. Our trip lasted 33 days. The first four days were spent shopping in Chandigarh, then we moved North to Solan, where we will be married. His parents live in Solan and that is where he grew up.

We had a traditional Indian wedding, or as traditional as it can get when the girl's family is not Indian.

After the wedding, I moved in with him and his parents while my family stayed in the hotel. My Dad, sister and her husband had come with me. I'm glad they did because they were pretty involved in the ceremonies. I just wished that we were able to have done more tourist type things.

Getting to this point in our relationship was not easy. The last couple of years has been very tense and full of arguments. His parents were against our marriage because I was not Indian. During that time, I had wished that there was someone I can talk to, to vent and also hoping to gain some guidance. However, I was not able to find such couples.

We plan to move back to India in 2008. We are not saying this just to make everyone happy, but we sincerely believe we will be doing so. Of course, there are those who doubt us and we don't care for their comments. What's the point of listening to them? I've realised lately many times, people say things and they don't realize that what they say are not making you feel good and that it is not helping in any way.

Before going to India, I had a lunch with a couple of colleagues and one of them was in a emotionless marriage. I gathered that she got married because of pressure and now, her husband spends most of his time on the computer. Their relationship is mostly civilized and she constantly says that she will be getting a divorce. She tells me to be aware of the same social pressures from my Indian family and that it will be best if we didn't move back. What was the point of telling me that? She says to prepare me. For what? What's the point of preparing? Does she realize that it is just making me hate her? I felt like I was already battling racism from my husband's world, that I didn't really need to hear this from people I knew.